


Don't Drink and High

by Hecate1412



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Boyf, Depression, Group chat, Jeremy is out of town and Michael is suffering, Michael Mell Protection Squad, Michael is also drunk, Michael is high, No SQUIP, Panic Attacks, Rich really comes through for the Boyf riends, Suicidal Thoughts, Texting, boyf riends — Freeform, post squip, riends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-14
Updated: 2017-07-14
Packaged: 2018-12-01 22:57:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11496519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hecate1412/pseuds/Hecate1412
Summary: It's Sunday night and Jeremy is still out of town. He was supposed to be back that morning, and he and Michael were supposed to go see the new Spider-man movie, but plans change. Jeremy would be back the next day and they would go see the movie then, but Michael was still upset and decided to smoke up alone in his basement...unfortunatly things take a sudden drastic turn when Michael drinks some spiked Sprite.





	Don't Drink and High

**Author's Note:**

> So i'm in a RP group chat for BMC and there's a lot of stuff going on. Every now and then we might want to record it and post it. This is the first entry. 
> 
> Also the "you" text posts are Michael's simply because this is more or less from is pov

 

 

Michael had been looking forward to tonight—special emphasis on _had_. He and Jeremy had both been out of town over the past week and while Michael returned to town Friday, Jeremy was supposed to return that morning. He was supposed to be back this morning, but plans changed and his best friend wasn’t going to return until tomorrow, which meant that movie date they planned for tonight had to be postponed. Michael understood why, and he didn’t particularly mind since he was still going to see the new Spider-Man Movie with Jer the next day, but…he’d been looking forward to tonight.

Since his night was now free, and Michael wanted to escape this sad feeling that had taken up rent in his chest, he decided to get a little high. After a few hits, and after he felt a slight buzz of the drug, he pulls out his phone and opens the group chat. He’d been on it only a week or so, but he’d grown more comfortable with all the people on there, and he was trying to make more friends, so it wouldn't just be him and Jeremy. Well, Jeremy had encouraged this, but Michael had to make an effort.

Not having anything to say, Michael decided to send masses of those purple emoji’s that looked like the space ship from the retro game _space blasters._ They were also the emoji’s that surrounded Jeremy’s contact name on his phone, and he could practically hear Rich laughing at him.

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** He’s high

**Jer:** Hahaha he’s so cute.

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** Oh my god

 

Michael stared at his phone pouting. They always had to assume he was high didn’t they? Well this time they were right, of course. The last time they accused him, though he’d been at the beach at a family reunion and had been utterly exhausted. He’d had a happy high. He got a happy high whenever he was too exhausted, and because of that Michael was apparently always high. 

 

**You:** Why do you always think I’m high?

**You:** Okay fine

**You:** I might be a little upset

**You:**   A little high

**You:** I was really looking forward to going to see Spider-Man with Jer

**You:** But since he comes back tomorrow I need to fill the void of tonight.

**You:** I’m not super high though.

**You:** Not like last night.

 

Last night had been a trip. Last night ended up with Michael waking up to Rich passed out in the beanbag chair next to his. After going through his messages he figured out why. He’d been high, and he’d invited Rich over thinking he was Jeremy, but Rich still came and man had they had some fun. Mario Kart while you’re high as Heaven is a spiritual experience.

 

**You:** I’m just a little high

**You:** Just a little…I swear.

 

Bored, he sent more of those purple space ship emoji’s, but he sent them with the invisible ink effect that came with the use of Imessage.

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** Oh my god

 

Michael laughed at the response and typed.

 

**You:** They’re hiding.

 

The chat went dead for a while, but soon came back with a text from Rich. He was doing one of those odd jobs again.

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** There’s a woman in this store who’s just yelling to her kids on facetime.”

 

Michael wondered why parents even yelled. What was the point other than making your kid fear you? He took a sip of the spite he’d grabbed from the upstairs fridge (since his own stock of soft drinks was empty and needed to be replenished) before joining the conversations.

 

**You:** Shhhhhhh

**You:**  She’s a bad mom…Jeremy don’t be like her.

**You:** Jake to…don’t be like her.

 

It had been decided a day ago the Jake and Jeremy were the chat parents…wait. The chat name had changed again, and Michael couldn’t make sense of it, so he changed it.

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** Most moms are good moms

_You named the conversation “Why is rich a good life advisor”_

**You:** Agreed

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** And I’m a great life adviser because I know all and see all.

 

**You:** To which what?”

**You:** to each his own.

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** you’re high man

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** which statement were you agreeing with?

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** the first probably…but i’m validating.

 

**You:** Most moms are good

**You:** Most moms are good

**You:** My moms are good.

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** That’s good, man.

 

**You:** Is Jeremy the mom or dad?

**You:** I don’t remember

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** I think he’s the dad.”

 

**You:** either way he’s good too.

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** But dads suck so they can both just be moms.

 

 

Rich was right about that. Dad’s sucked. Dads sucked big time, but moms could suck too.

 

**You:** Well, Jer’s mom walked out on him, so I think he probably likes his dad better

**You:** Moms aren’t always good

**You:** Shitty moms are shitty.

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** sometimes moms suck

 

**You:** I would throw an egg at Mrs Heere if she ever showed up in town again.

 

 

 He would. Michael hated Mrs. Heere. He grew up with Jeremy, he knew what kind of effect she had on her son, and Michael would never forgive her for what she'd done.

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** sometimes people just suck.

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** sometimes it’s better for parents to leave though lmao

 

**You:** Why,

**You:** Why?

**You:** It’s not

**You:** Cause then you’re stuck wondering why they left.

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** not always man

 

Michael suddenly felt like shit. He downed the rest of the sprit in his cup and wondered if he could shut off his brain if he took a few more hits of weed. Thoughts were popping up that he didn’t want to think about.

 

**You:** Did they leave because of me?

 

“Fuck! I didn’t mean to send that!” Michael huffed looking at the screen. He knew he should probably put away his phone. His filter disappears when he’s high, and there were things he still wanted to keep secret, but he couldn’t put his phone up.

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** just sometimes

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** dude it’s hard to explain

 

**You:** My dad only left when he learned my mom was pregnant.

**You:** Did he just not want me?

**You:** It’s fine

**You:** I don’t want him either.

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** dude

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** are you alright?

 

 

That was a good question. Michael hadn’t thought about his dad in a long time. He hadn’t thought about the thoughts that came up when he thought about his dad because his dad didn’t matter…not really.

 

**You:** I would throw an egg at him to if he came back to town,

**You:** No

**You:** No

**You:** I might run him over with my car

**You:** “On accident”

 

Michael laughed at the thought.

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** do not do that

 

**You:** it’s be satisfying

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** man, I just meant that sometimes parents who really suck would be better off gone

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** not all parents, man.

 

**You:** Yeah but…just

**You:** Did he not want me?

**You:** Did he not want my mom?

**You:** I’m technically still his kid and I’ve never heard from him once.

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** he probably sucked.

 

Michael hadn’t realized he was shaking, but he couldn’t stop. He couldn’t stop typing. He wanted to, but he also wanted to get what was on his head out in the open because nothing good ever happened when he internalized these types of thoughts.

 

**You:** and ppl wonder why I think I’m pathetic. It’s because half my gene pool thought I was pathetic and worthless before I was even born

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** and now you’ve got two great moms’ and you haven’t got a shitty guy around so

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** didn’t it work out dude

 

**You:** That’s why he left….and yes, my moms rock

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** genes don’t mean shit dude.

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** exactly

 

**You:** My moms are the best

**You:** I just

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** so don’t let it get to you too much

 

 

Rich was right—which Michael would never admit to agreeing too—but he couldn’t stop his mind from thinking about all the “what ifs”

 

**You:** Sometimes I wish he would explain why

**You:** I don’t even know him

 

**Lohst Girl:** some people are just assholes

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** maybe you don’t want to know

 

**You:** Probably just thought I was a waste of space

**You:** A mistake

**You:** Fuck

**You:** I’m a mistake

**You:** I’m

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** seriously dude are you like…okay?

 

**You:** I’m gonna go.

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** are you doin fine

 

**You:** I’ll be fine

**You:** It’s not like this realization is anything new

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** doesn’t make it suck less

 

**You:** It doesn’t suck

**You:** I’ve just sorta accepted it

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** accept something happier then, cause that’s kinda depressing

 

Accept something happier? There was nothing happy about what happened. And it’s not like Michael needed his dad around. Who would want a flaky low-life piece of dandruff like him around but…he couldn’t help but wonder, and he couldn’t help but think, and part of him couldn’t help but believe.

 

**You:** I’m a mistake. Clearly.

**You:** A waste of space to him

**You:** a waste of life

**You:** Not a reason to stay

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** aight but you’re literally not

 

**You:** But you know who I’m not a waste of space to?

**You:** Jeremy

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** tru

 

**You:** Jeremy was always there when I felt so worthless

**You:** Well

**You:** Almost always

**You:** Ha! Pathetic I have to depend on someone else to dictate my self worth

**You:** I probably shouldn’t have gotten high.

 

He wasn’t sure that was the problem. He had been high before, but it had never made him feel this…depressed.

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** you’re human, Michael

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** that’s all it is

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** and like

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** we’re all human so…it’s fine

 

**You:** what if I’m an alien?

**You:** I’m an alien

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** uh…your not?

 

**You:** I’m a pathetic alien who leeched off others to feel like he was worth something.

 

That’s how it was right? That’s why he almost offed himself in the bathroom at the party last Halloween. He couldn’t actually exist without others there to help him keep his self-worth afloat, and when his life raft dumped him, he’d sunk like a rock. No wonder Jeremy had gotten a squip. He was probably tired of Michael clinging to him like a lost child.

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** don’t think that’s a thing you are, buddy

 

Michael was still shaking. He didn’t like this feeling. He felt like his heart was about to beat out of his chest. He felt depressed. He felt like his mind was darting around at light speed to all the things he didn’t want to think about. He couldn’t figure out why. This had never happened before…he glanced down to the cup at his side. _Fuck_

 

**You:** I think there was something mixed into that liter of sprite in the upstairs fridge.

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** you’re not and alien, dude

 

**You** : Can you be drunk and high?

**You:** Or tipsy and high

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** yeah

 

**You:** Under the influence and high.

**You:** I think there was alcohol in the sprite.

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** fun

 

**You:** I haven’t felt this depressed in a while…

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** dude are you sure you’re okay

 

**You:** I don’t know

**You:** I mean

**You:** Yeah

**You:** Don’t worry

**You:** I’m fine

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** no i’m going to worry

 

**You:** Don’t

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** too late

 

**You:** I don’t want to be a bother

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** you’re really not

 

**You:** I’m fine I swear

**You:** like I said before…These realizations are nothing new. I’ve known them my whole life.

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** aight but they’re not right ?

 

**You:** mmmm

 

Michael didn’t believe rich, but when did he ever? Sure Rich meant well, but what did he know?”

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** you’re practically the nicest person i’ve ever met, man, i wouldn’t call that terrible…and everyone in the play would have been fucked without you dude

 

**You:** I wonder if I have any more Prozac.

 

Michael had taken depression medication near the start of high school, he was sure if he looked for it he could find it again. Then again…Prozac and alcohol were a bad mix if he remembered correctly. 

 

**You:** No that’s a bad idea

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** very bad

 

**You:** but

**You:** Fuck, it helped with depression before and I don’t know why I’m so depressed right now.

**You:** I wish Jer were here.

 

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** not your fault dude

 

**You:** I wish someone were here

 

The emptiness of Michael’s room suddenly hit him, and he realized he would rather be anywhere but stuck there.

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** sucks that your neurotransmitters are fucking with you, but it’s not your fault or anything.

 

**You:** I’m gonna go curl up in my bed till this feeling passes.

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** safe bet

 

**You:** someone should probably check on me in a few hours or so

**You:** Sorry, I think I’m over reacting.

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** dude don’t apologize

 

Michael curled up on his bed. He felt like he was being suffocated by his room, and he hoped hiding under the covers might help until he came down off whatever this was but, it had limited effects

 

**You:** I’m probably fine

**You:** I just…it sucks! This is such a shit feeling. And you know how feelings can bring back memories.

 

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** yeah

 

**You:** This one brings back the night of the party.

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** what about it?

 

**You:** and god it hurts!

**You:** And man, I don’t blame Jer he wasn’t himself I know. It was just a hard night.

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** uh…what went on at the party? Besides the whole thing in general

 

A lot went on at the party. God so much happened at that stupid party that Michael should have never even gone to in the first place.

 

**You:** And fuck all I can think about is me in that bathroom.

**You:** …

**You:** Jer knows…I told him

**You:** He knows.

**You:** I’m sorry

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** a good first step…don’t be sorry dude

 

**Lohst Girl:** feelings and shit

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** feelings are your kink or?

 

**Lohst Girl:** what, they’re important!

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** they suck

 

**Lohst Girl:** Because they’re important.

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** eh

 

 

Michael curled himself tighter in his blankets. He shouldn’t have mentioned the bathroom. He shouldn’t have thought about it. He shouldn’t be thinking about it. He couldn’t stop thinking about it. _Oh god_. His breath caught in his throat as he saw Jeremy looking at him—looking at him with disgust and anger and. _“Get out of my way L O S E R.”_

He tried to focus on his phone again. He wished Jeremy were here. If he could see Jeremy—hell if he could just talk to him—he’d probably be fine, but his mind was racing and his thoughts were jumbled and confused and when he finally managed to pull up the private chat with his best friend he just typed whatever came to mind.

 

 

**You:** I messed up

**You:** I messed up

**You:** I messed up

**You:** I messed up

**You:** Jer

**You:** I’m sorry

**You:** I don’t know what’s wrong with me rn

**You:** I took a few hits

**You:** and then I think my mom mixed something into the sprite in the fridge and I didn’t know because I couldn’t taste it and I drank a lot of it

**You:** And now it feels like I’m on 60mg of Adderall and my head won’t shut up and everything HURTS

**You:** It hurts like the night of the party

**You:** it’s so much and I know it’s in the past but my mind can’t seem to focus on anything else and all I’m seeing is you walking out on me and it just

**You:** It’s not real. I keep telling myself that but….All the feelings and emotions are hitting me hard…like amplified by thirty or one-hundred.

**You:** and I’m sorry

**You:** I’m so so sorry

**You:** I’m probably bothering you. You’re with your family and your family is super cool and

**You:** I’m fine

**You:** I’ll be fine

**You:** sorry

**You:** just forget I sent any of this.

 

Jeremy usually responded fairly quickly, but minutes passed and nothing came, and that scene from the bathroom just kept getting more and more vivid, and a few seconds passed before he realized he wasn’t really breathing. He managed to get back to the group chat. He wanted to ask for help, but he couldn’t get it out. He couldn’t ask. He didn’t want to bother them. _Oh god I’m being annoying._

**You:** sorry

**You:** sorry

**You:** I’m sorry

**You:** I don’t know what’s going on

**You:** I don’t know why this hurts so much

**You:** I’m sorry

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** dude its cool, just breathe and shit.

 

Michael was trying, he really was, but his breath was coming out in hasty little puffs and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t stop it. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t stop the hurt that was building inside of him.

 

**You:** Can’t

**You:** Can’t breathe

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** you know about the breathing thing right? starting small?

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** just like

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** breathe in for four and hold for four and exhale for four and like…once its easy move up to five and then keep going until you get up to ten. and you have to breathe through your nose and out through your mouth too.

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** and—

 

Michael wasn’t really sure what else was written. The words started to blur together and fuzz, and his head felt light. His head hit the pillow and for a while his mind shut up. When he opened his eyes again, he felt numb. The hurt was still there in his chest, and the scene from last fall was still playing on a loop, but he felt numb. Incredibly numb. He’d felt this before.

 

**You:** I think… I think I just passed out.

**You:** I’m…not really sure. I haven’t had a panic attack like that in…well a couple of months

**You:** And I can’t stop shaking.

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** breathe dude

 

**You:** I’m trying I swear

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** alright that’s good. you’ll get there.

 

**You:** Where’s Jer?

**You:** No, wait no. Don’t bother him. He’s probably with his family or asleep or something

**You:** Sorry

**You:** I’m gonna go sit on the curb or something. I’m okay I swear.

 

The room was still suffocating, and it was nearly eleven, but Michael didn’t care at this point. He wanted to be outside. He wanted the fresh air. He didn’t want to feel trapped in the basement anymore. So he left. He walked out the back door and looped around the house, watching his phone buzz as he stumbled to the street.

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** I don’t think you would be bothering him

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** and you’re not fine now, but that’s okay.

 

**You:** haha sorry I keep doing this every night.

**You:** There’s always something. Sorry I’m messed up

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** you’re not messed up

 

**You:** Thanks for putting up with me I guess.

**You:** Sorry

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** you don’t have to thank us for that

 

**You:** Sorry         

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** it’s not a good deed of the day or something, we do it because we care

 

**You:** Right

**You:** You care…Okay

**You:** I’m gonna go out to the curb now. Here’s to hoping a car doesn’t accidently hit me or something

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** dude don’t do that

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** for real

 

 

Michael reached the curb, and sat down with his legs resting straight out in front of him. It was a nice cool night despite it being the middle of summer. At least something about tonight was nice. The almost full moon was a bonus too, he could actually see outside without needing help from his phones flashlight. As he was chilling there enjoying the night he heard the familiar zoom of an approaching car. It had been so close to him, and going at least twenty over the neighborhood limit. Maybe faster.

 

**You:** Ha!

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** what

 

**You:** Cars should speed in neighborhoods

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** dude what the hell, go inside

 

**You:** Nooooo

**You:** It’s nice out and the sky is clear and the street lights are dead so there’s less light pollution and I can kinda see the stars

**You:** but cars shouldn’t speed through neighborhoods.

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** well don’t go near the damn road

 

**You:** He honked at me to like it was my fault he was speeding

**You:** Ha!

**You:** I wonder what getting hit by a car feels like?

 

**Lohst Girl:** Okay dude should we come over or something?

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** dude what the fuck, don’t

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** no seriously I’m five seconds away from going over

 

**You:** I bet it would hurt less than this shit show of emotions.

 

Because what else was Michael supposed to call it? Sure he felt numb, but the feelings didn’t go away, nor did the memories. The only difference now was that he just couldn’t process them all as quickly.

 

**You:** No! don’t come over. It’s fine

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** obviously not

 

**You:** no one drives through here at night anyway. Just me and the never ending void of space surrounded by ppl in homes who don’t know or care that I exist.

**You:** And my moms’…I guess they care

**You:** Jer lives a few blocks over, I think he would care…I hope so, but he’s not here.

**You:** Ha!

**You:** Oh I was wrong! Another car just passed, but they were going the speed limit…

**You:** I’m gonna walk down to the park.

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** dude just go home. for real.

 

**You:** No

**You:** Then I’ll be alone and that’ll be worse

**You:** so to the park I go

**You:** The park is next to the pool right? Although I bet the pool is locked and I just wanna swing or something

**You:** Sorry, I’ll shut up.

 

It was a few more minutes before anyone responded, which was fine, sorta. Michael wished he could enjoy the silence of the night instead of having to see all the worst moments from his past replayed over and over like a gag reel, like they were something to joke about. And if he was remembering correctly, most people laughed during these moment that came to mind. Most people laughed at him.  

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** sorry, you’re fine. keep talking, I had to deal with something

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** seriously man if you’re not doing great then one of us can come over

 

**You:** No no

**You:** no need to inconvenience. I’m fine.

**You:** I’m chill

**You:** I’m super chill.

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** it’s not an inconvenience

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** you’re not an inconvenience

 

Michael stared at the words on his screen, reading them over and over and over again.

 

**You:** I don’t believe you.

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** you should

 

He stared back up at the sky and smiled a bit. It hadn’t taken him long to reach the area of the neighborhood where the playground was. He had to walk passed the pool to reach the playground, but he stopped when he saw the water. The reflection was mesmerizing.

 

**You:** It’s a little less than a full moon tonight and the moon's reflecting off the water and it looks really pretty. I’m gonna go stick my feet in…just for a while, then I’ll go down to the park.

 

Michael was able to get into the pool area easily. He just needed the passcode which he had memorized and he was in. He strolled over towards the deep end and shed his socks and shoes, rolling up his jeans so he could stick is feet into the water. He leaned back so he could stare at the sky, wishing that he could just…well he wasn’t sure. The empty void of space seemed pretty welcoming. There probably wasn’t much out there. He wouldn’t have to think about the dick who left before he was born, the bullies that never left him alone growing up, the only person he ever cared about—ever loved—leaving him behind while he screwed like, five different girls.

 

Michael wanted to cry. He knew he wasn’t having another panic attack, but that lung crushing tension that came with it was slowly consuming his insides. His chest ached with the pain of a broken heart. And god everything just hurt. He hated this. Why did it all hurt so bad? Why was he in so much pain? “I just want it to stop.” He mumbled, kicking his legs around gently in the water. He sat up quickly and looked at the surface. He stared for a minute, an idea forming in his mind before his phone buzzed, stealing away his attention.

 

 

**Jer:** Oh gosh there’s a lot to catch up on give me a moment

**Jer:** I’m sorry I was helping my cousin bake a cake.

 

Of course he was. Michael had guessed he was busy. _Busy with someone else…_ He didn’t know why that thought hurt so much. Jer was with his family. He’d been there for the past week, Michael knew this.

 

**You:** No, Jer it’s fine

**You:** Don’t worry about it. It’s just me over reacting

**You:** You wouldn’t care anyway so you’re fine.

**You:** Really, don’t worry about it.

 

**Jer:** Michael I fucking care.

 

He stared at the words. He stared at them for longer than he really needed to, and he wanted to believe them but the only thing that came to mind when he read them was doubt

 

**You:** I don’t believe you

**You:** I don’t believe you

**You:** I don’t believe any of you!

**You:** Fuck!

**You:** It hurts so much. I just want it all to stop Jer

**You:** Sorry

**You:** Sorry

**You:** Sorry

**You:** No I know you care

**You:** Of course you care is just that—

 

Michael was shaking again, and the party and the fire were coming back just as vivid as before…and the water felt so damn warm.

 

**You:** It’s like every moment where everyone who ever made me feel like shit is playing through my head and I can’t make it stop and I don’t know whats wrong with me

**You:** God I’m shit. I’m sure I’m causing all of you problems. Jer’s with his family and I’m distracting him.

**You:** Everyone else is busy

**You:** I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m fine I’ll stop

 

Michael wanted to throw his phone across the pool. He didn’t want to have to deal with any of this anymore, but he held onto it as it kept buzzing. They were talking, but he didn’t want to respond anymore…not really. He just…he wanted it all to be over with.

 

**Lost Girl:** Do you want us to come over?

**Lost Girl:** I’m not busy or anything

 

**Jer:** No I’m sorry I just had to read through everything to understand what was happening.

**Jer:** Michael.

**Jer:** I care.

**Jer:** And we ALL care.

**Jer:** a whole fucking lot.

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** dude we care about you so much. Do you need us to come over?

 

**Jer:** I care about what happens to you. I care about what you decide to do with yourself in the future. I want to be there beside you and I want to help you get better. I want to make you smile and I want to be your best friend forever and just god Michael please don’t even fucking THINK about standing in front of a car or anything like that because I couldn’t stand to be here without you. You’re not clingy you’re not awful, you’re just afraid and it’s ok to be afraid. But you’re not alone. Even when I’m not there, you have me in your heart, and and Rich and Brooke and all of them CARE. Okay? They care a whole fucking lot. So don’t throw that back in their face and know we like you. Fuck, I LOVE you, so much. Please read this.

 

Oh, Michael read it, but he didn’t respond. He couldn’t respond. He didn’t believe them. They were just trying to get him to let his guard down so that they could crush him into the dirt. People did it to him all the time growing up, why would this be any different? Besides, Jeremy had a better connection to all of them after the whole Squip thing, so why wouldn’t he be closer to them. Why wouldn’t they sceme against him? Michael wasn’t like them after all.

 

His phone started going off again, and he realized Jeremy was messaging him in a private chat.

 

 

**Jer:** I love you.

**Jer:** I love you so much

**Jer:** Please read these

**Jer:** Please see these and know I love you. I care. So fucking much

**Jer:** Please Mikey.

 

He... Jeremy seemed sincere. Michael knew somewhere in the back of his mind that he should believe Jer, but it was so hard and he felt so hurt. Everything hurt and he didn’t feel entirely there.

 

**You:** I love you to.

**You:** I’m sorry. I’m so sorry

**You:** You don’t deserve to have to worry about me.

**You:** Sorry.

 

It was the truth right? Michael was a waste of space. He was a bother to everyone around him. It’s why he didn’t have friends aside from Jeremy. It’s because no one else wanted to give him the time of day.

 

**Jer:** Hey hey

**Jer:** No no

**Jer:** You don’t need to apologize

**Jer:** I’m right here yeah? I’m Here.

**Jer:** Remember

**Jer:** Don’t worry

**Jer:** About a Thug

**Jer:** Cause every little thing

**Jer:** Is gonna be alright

 

**You:** “About a Thug”

 

**Jer:** Just imagine me singing to you Michael I know that helps

**Jer:** Hahaha

**Jer:** I’m so bad at typing when I’m nervous

 

Michael didn’t know what to say to this so he didn’t say anything. He scrolled back over to the group chat, which had had some more activity. Lots of people pretending to be worried about him.

 

**Chloe:** Jeremy, if he won’t respond, do you want one of us to go check up on him and make sure he’s okay?

 

**Lohst Girl:** Yeah, cuz I’m practically out the door rn because he’s not responding

 

**Chloe:** Please keep him distracted so that he won’t do anything dangerous.

 

**Jer:** I’m sending him texts separate from this. Please try to find him.

 

**Lohst Girl:** Alright I’m out.

 

 

Brooke probably wouldn’t be able to find him. He wasn’t at home, more importantly, Michael didn’t think she even knew where he lived. Chloe didn’t sound like she was actually leaving her house and Jeremy, well Jeremy wouldn’t show. He couldn’t. the only person who hadn’t responded recently was—

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** man I’m coming over

 

**You:** I’m not home.

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** then where the hell are you?

 

Michael wasn’t sure he wanted to share that info…even though it should already be on the chat. Honestly, he just wanted to sink to the bottom of the pool and take a deep breath. _Michael Mell the cry baby. Pathetic. Waste of space. Michael the fag. Careful not to get close or it might rub off on you. Michael’s such a loser. Loser. Loser. Lame Pathetic._

**You:** Pool

**You:** I’m at the pool.

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** okay. okay, then i’ll go to the pool

 

**You:** Sorry

 

He couldn’t help but feel bad. He was annoying people again. Seemed like all he did. Clung the Jeremy and annoyed people. No wonder he left him alone in the bathroom.

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** don’t be sorry

 

**You:** Sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** there’s nothing wrong with you

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** you need to know that

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** there’s nothing wrong with you.

 

**You:** I just

**You:** I can’t get my mind to stop. It just keeps replaying all the worst moments.

**You:** Every time I fucked up

**You:** Every time I did something wrong

**You:** Every time Jeremy ignored me… the night he walked out on me and I just

**You:** I feel like I’m back there. That scene keeps replaying over and over and over and over again.

**You:** god just make it stop!

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** Sometimes the voices in our heads fuck with us, but there’s nothing wrong with you. you’ve been through tough shit, and it’s okay to feel hurt by that. you’re not at the party. you’re right here and right now and you’re a really good person.

 

Michael looked at the water again, then looked back at his phone. He’d already told Jeremy this, and hadn’t thought to tell anyone else. But the night of Halloween, at the party, he’d been so close to doing what he’d been thinking about for the past fifteen minutes.

 

**You:** I was so close you know. To just being done with everything.

 

He was so close now…to just being done with it all. He was so tired. He felt so hurt. He just wanted it all to stop. He wondered how far away Rich was. Would he be here by the time he was at the bottom of the pool? Would he be there to save him? Did he want someone to save him? _Yes_

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** well i’m damn glad you didn’t

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** so don’t you dare try anything now

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** give me two minutes. I’ll be there.

 

Two minutes huh? He could do it in two minutes.

 

**You:** I just want it all to stop

**You:** I don’t know what happened. I was fine an hour ago

**You:** And now everything just hurts.

 

 

He still had time to just slip into the water, but he wouldn’t. Michael could hear Rich yelling at him to not trying anything, and contrary to any ounce of logic, Michael found himself listening to the command.

 

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** it’s fine that it hurts. let it hurt dude, cry it out or whatever, and then show it who’s boss

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** one more minute dude

 

He just stared at the water remember the reason he’d even come in here in the first place

 

**You:** You know the almost full moon looks really nice on the water.

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** does it? that’s cool

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** I’m walking in now.”

 

Michael could hear him walking over now. Well he wasn’t walking. Michael could hear his feet against the pavement and he was definitely running.

 

**You:** Code

**You:** There’s a code for the door Rich.

 

**Rich “do you even lift” Goranski:** what is it?

 

**You:** 6528 I think.

 

He heard the metal door squeak open and Rich call out that he was coming in. Michael didn’t look at him as he approached just kept his eyes on the water trying to ignore the sudden sense of panic that had been hitting him off and on all night.

 

“Michael, dude. What’s going on?” Rich asked, sitting down next to him. He didn’t stick his feet in the water, like Michael had, just sat criss-cross beside him giving him enough space to feel comfortable, but being close enough to be comforting.

 

“I don’t know.” It was the truth. Michael wasn’t really sure what was going on. He’d never felt like this. Well he had, but it hadn’t been any time recently. “I was fine two hours ago. I took a hit or two and was chillin’ in my basement feeling a bit upset because I was really looking forward to seeing that movie with Jeremy tonight and I just wanted to fill the void because I felt lonely. And well… I was drinking some sprite from the fridge upstairs which my mom must have spiked and forgot to label because I don’t usually go into full on depression mode when I’m high!”

 

“Michael Breathe.” He took a deep breath and continued to speak

 

“Now I feel like I’m on 60mg of Adderall and my head just won’t stop.” He pulled his hood up over his head and pulling the draw strings closed. “You ever have a broken heart, Rich? That’s what this feels like. It feels like my lungs are trying to suffocate me and my chest is trying to cave in and my brain is trying to convince me that I’m the most worthless piece of trash to ever walk the face of the planet and that my only friend isn’t actually my friend but is instead just pretending to be at this point because he feels guilty and is showing me pity. All I’ve been able to see or hear is Jeremy calling me a loser for the past thirty minutes, and it’s like everyone I've ever known in my entire history as a human being is coming out of the wood works to chime their agreement.”

 

“You know he didn’t mean that. It wasn’t him, he would never think you’re a loser.” Michael had started crying. He wish he hadn’t, but he couldn’t help it anymore.

 

“I know, I know. I just…I don’t know. I know he didn’t mean it but I see it and feel like I’m back there and god—“ He hugged his arms tight around him, trying to forget. _Forget. Forget. Just Forget it all._

 

“He cares about you a lot.” _Jeremy cares about you, you doofus._ “He would be right here right now if he could. He wants to be.”  Michaels mind drifted back to all the texts.

 

“I know. He was blowing up my phone a while ago. I couldn’t—I feel like everyone left me.”

 

“So many people care about you, dude.” Michal finally let his body relax. He sat up a little and looked over to Rich. He looked concerned, he looked like he understood.

 

“Yeah…yeah I know.” He was right. Jeremy was—Jeremy is still the most important person in Michael’s life, and he knows it, but he couldn’t see past that memory. “I’m sorry."

 

“You don’t need to apologize.”

 

“I don’t know what’s going on with me tonight. I’m sorry.”

 

“You’re fine dude. You’re allowed to have off nights. We’re only concerned, man, not mad.”

 

“Alright.” He knew Rich wasn’t lying. Well he didn’t know, but he forced himself to believe.

 

“Seriously dude, you know that right? That you’re a good person and we all care.”

 

“Yeah… yeah I guess…” he yawned, looking back over the water and how the moon reflected on it and how the water reflected onto everything around it. “Hey Rich?”

 

“What’s up?”

 

“I wanna go home--I’m gonna go home, but I feel kinda lightheaded. Can you just—sorry—can you walk back with me?” Rich smiled, and stood up, brushing dust from his pants.

 

“Yeah, I would have walked you back either way.”

 

“Okay.” Michael pulled his feet back out of the water, putting his socks and shoes back on despite the wetness. “I’m just really tired all the sudden. Like I’m coming off a high,” he paused, “I guess I am.”

 

“You probably are dude,” He pulled Michael to his feet when he was ready, and helped the taller teen steady himself. “You need sleep. That’s really what’s probably best for you.” Michael felt like he could fall asleep standing. The exhaustion had hit him as suddenly as a panic attack, and he realized Rich was practically leading him back to his house instead of walking him home.

 

“Mmmmm, thanks for coming. Thanks for helping. Sorry for, well, being weird.”

 

“You don’t have to thank me for it dude. You’re not being weird, man, I get it. You’re fine.”

 

“Mkay. Thank you,” they walked in silence for a while before Michael piped up again. “Hey, Rich? Wanna stay over? Not all night if you don’t want to, just for a little while.”

 

“Sure man,”

 

“If Jer were here I’d ask him, but he’s not and I don’t really wanna be alone right now."

 

“Yeah, makes sense.” It really was a nice night out. They finally got back to Michael’s house and Rich led him in through the back door and brought him over to his bed.

 

“Thanks,” Michael mumbled already half asleep, “You’re a good friend.” Rich smiled at his friend, who really was basically already asleep.

 

“Anytime, Michael,” he hummed finding a beanbag chair to make himself comfortable in for a while.

 

 


End file.
